


Better Than Egg in Your Beer

by melagan



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-04
Updated: 2014-01-04
Packaged: 2018-01-07 11:00:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1119066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melagan/pseuds/melagan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Your basic <i>Aliens Made Them Do It.</i> John really doesn't mind. As it turns out, neither does Rodney.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Better Than Egg in Your Beer

"No."

"Aw, Rodney, c'mon." John offered his best pout to no effect.

"I am not going to offer myself or any personal services to the native population, Sheppard! I can't believe you'd even consider going along with this."

Managing to avoid looking Rodney in the eye, John shifted on his feet and wondered how he was going to explain himself. It wasn't that he particularly wanted to see Rodney participate in a sexual ritual. Except that he kind of did. Because it might be the one and only time he got to see Rodney naked. And no, he wasn't particularly proud of that fact – but fuck – _naked_.

Jesus, he had lost his mind. John stared at the ground, biting his lip. Maybe he could still backpedal his way out of this as long as he didn't look Rodney in the eye. Once Rodney focused on something or someone, his bullshit detector turned into a freaking cruise missile.

With an attempt at damage control, he put on his best colonel voice and said, "Look, McKay, I refuse stand here and try to explain how I don't harbor a burning desire to see what you look like when you come." Oh shit. Fuck. He knew it was too late to clamp his hand over his own mouth and now Rodney was crossing his arms across his chest and truly focusing his attention on John. Screwed. He was so screwed.

"You're sure?" Rodney asked, so mildly that John knew better than to trust it. "Because I swear, Sheppard, it's as if you were looking forward to seeing me getting naked and sweaty with some rouged and feathered himbo."

"It's not…I…I don't," John stammered. "Rouge? Really? Uh, never mind." John could actually feel the tips of his ears turn pink. "Look, can't you humor the natives without making a big fuss just this once?"

"Protecting my virtue is a fuss?" Rodney's voice began to scale higher – and grow louder. "When did that happen? You hate it when someone gets too close and personal when we're off-world. You even get this odd, possessive glint in your eye. I've always thought of it as your 'scaring the natives with homicidal charm' look. I should add, you've ruined every chance of me getting laid by your aggressive glaring and your –" Rodney paused to stab at the air over John's P-90. "Your weapon fondling."

John groaned, but before he could say anything, Teyla spoke.

"You misunderstand," she said, with the utter calmness of someone who didn't have to put their naked ass on an alien altar. "I have spoken with their priests and the Sutari do not wish to have sex with Rodney or with any of us, John."

"No altar?" John asked, swallowing back his disappointment. He shouldn't feel disappointed. He should feel relieved. But somewhere between the words – naked and rouged – he'd lost his fucking mind.

Teyla winced, and John knew things were not going to be that simple. "I’m not going to like this, am I?" he asked. He had to give Teyla credit. When she answered, she stared him right in the eye without a flinch.

"Physical intimacy is required for the ceremony. They wish for you, John, and Rodney to bring healing to their village by sharing of each other. The priests have also told me there is a spiritual component." She glanced over at Rodney. "Its nature is such that it will only work between the two of you."

"Us. The two of us have to have sex? John and I?" Rodney sputtered. "How is that supposed to heal anything? You know what, never mind, we're going back and Sheppard is going straight to the infirmary for even considering going along with this."

Frowning, John asked, "A spiritual component?"

Ronon punched him hard on the shoulder and grinned. "Bet it's a vow. Like a marriage."

"Yes." Teyla nodded gravely. "A binding. They seem aware that you and Rodney both have the Ancient gene. Perhaps the two of you touched something?"

"Well, that’s an easy guess," John sniped. "Dr. Grabbyhands over there had me touching all kinds of things…uh, that really didn't come out sounding like I meant."

Teyla continued without so much as raising an eyebrow. "According to their chieftain, this village has not seen a pairing like the two of you for many generations. The Sutari truly believe that if you bind yourselves together at the Altar of Hakra, it will to bring both a blessing and a healing to their people."

"Well, as long as they're not expecting us to walk on water too…hmm." Rodney poked at the keys of his laptop again.

"What?" John demanded. "What did you find?"

"Um." Rodney offered up a wan smile. "It's vaguely possible that there is an Ancient healing device here that actually could heal some of their ailments. It's very similar to the Goa'uld healing device, only this one takes a combination of Ancient genes to engage."

"How vague, Rodney?" John asked. "Stripper virginity vague or Higgs boson vague?"

"Eh, what?" Rodney stared at him. "I don't know how your brain even begins to put that combination… never mind." He pointed at a glowing dot on the screen. "Something is definitely there."

"Jesus." John took a minute to recall his crash course in SG1 reports. "Is it like the Goa'uld sarcophagus?"

"More of an altar, actually. Exactly like the one the Sutari suggested I get naked on. But hey, at least you'll make an honest man of me first." Rodney paled. "Are we really going to go along with this?"

"A working healing device, Rodney," Teyla smiled hopefully up at him. "Do you think this can cure Kanaan and the others?"

"What about the Wraith-age?" Ronon interrupted. "Can it heal that?"

This was a fine mess. John felt caught between desire and guilt. His fingers drummed on the stock of his P-90 as he tried to think of all the stoic colonel things he could do to keep that from showing on his face. "Rodney, do you think this device can cure all those things?"

"Maybe?" Rodney poked at his laptop, obviously sidetracked by whatever it was showing on its screen.

"McKay!" John stepped closer. "Yes or no."

"Eighty percent – yes? One thing that always puzzled Carson was the Ancients' lack of medical records for Wraith aged patients."

"Makes sense," Ronon offered, "that he wouldn't find anything if they brought the Wraith-aged here."

"There are a few problems with that theory," Rodney said, "but until we find out more…."

"Rodney," John said quietly, laying a hand on Rodney's shoulder. "Could this heal Ford?"

"If we ever catch up to him." Rodney nodded now. "Yes, that should be fairly simple given these power readings. Which begs the question, why am I getting readings now, and not before?"

Ronon canted his head towards the altar. People were gathering in the town square and the faint tinkle of chimes could be heard in the air. "Maybe because they've started the ceremony?"

"Teyla." John narrowed his eyes. "Did you tell them we'd go along with this?"

At least she had the grace to look guilty when she nodded. "There is too much at stake to dismiss this without trying. Surely you can see that?"

"She's right and you know it," Ronon said, arms folded across his chest. "Do you really want to run away from helping these people?"

"The sex doesn't need to be part of a public display, John," Teyla said. "I believe I have convinced them that your customs require privacy."

Looking over at John, Rodney held up his laptop to show the red line on its screen. "The power keeps climbing. Do you really trust the Ancients enough to think that's a good thing?"

John winced. "So we're really going to…?"

"I don't see any other option," Rodney answered, scowling down at his laptop.

Ronon stepped up and clapped Rodney on his shoulder, giving it a manly shake. "Good. All that's left now is to figure out how you two want to take your vows." His grin was all teeth.

~*~

 

_It doesn't need to be a public display_ – oh sure, tell that to his ass. Rodney sighed. He didn't have it in his heart to blame Teyla despite her role in this. Kanaan was family and family was – important. As far as not being public, some of it had been very, very public and the Sutarian's concession to private quarters hadn't slowed down the ceremony, not one bit. And now....

Rodney scowled into his glass of straw-colored liquid. It might, he mused, be the Sutarian's version of hair-of-the-dog or it might be horse piss. Probably both. He shuddered; anything that smelled this foul had to taste even worse. Besides, his head didn't hurt that bad. In fact, his thoughts were clearing by the moment.

He leaned back in the overstuffed chair, shifting to get comfortable. The light from the fireplace chased away the dawn shadows along with the chill. Rodney glanced around the room. These particular accommodations seemed stuck somewhere in the Canadian equivalent of the Forties. He couldn't say the same about their tech or their customs. He rubbed at his cheek and his palm come away stained red. At least they'd been spared the feathers.

Rodney's eyes darted away from the ring on his finger but he could feel it – a solid, smooth weight, one he could get used to wearing all too easily. Exchanging them when they took their vows, John wore one that was its exact match. John – who was currently over there – in their bed. Their marriage bed.

Vow, marriage, binding promise, the words swirled around his brain and lodged somewhere behind his heart. He couldn't let go of the feeling that this was something cherished. He wanted to call himself a sentimental fool. How John felt about it remained a mystery. He just hoped, when they got back to Atlantis, he could hang onto John's friendship.

Images of the last few hours danced through his brain and his skin flushed at the memory. Throughout the whole affair, it was John who kept Rodney calm, kept one hand on him, kept talking to him, distracting Rodney so that he wouldn't panic.

~*~

John took his hand, almost cradling it, his touch was so tender. "We can do this. Rodney, do you trust me?"

Rodney nodded weakly. "I do."

John squeezed his hand. They stood like that as they exchanged words. God, Rodney hoped he could remember it all but at the time he stood too stunned to really listen as John slipped the ring on his finger.

He recalled more chimes ringing and noted how Ronon took their clothes and weapons with suspiciously good cheer. He and Teyla stood with their backs turned to the makeshift privacy screen in front of the altar – a hasty affair of bamboo frames and coarsely woven fabric. John mumbled, "privacy my ass," but he already had one hand on the smooth surface of the altar. "Huh, it's warm. Softer than it looks, too, more like the gel pads on the control chair."

One of the priests stepped up and bowed. "It is time for the vow."

"Uh, okay," John said, his gaze catching Rodney's eye.

"Look," Rodney interrupted, "whatever this 'vow' is, we agree. Both of us. So can you just wave your incense or whatever and just get the rest of this over with, please?"

The priest seemed taken aback by the response. To Rodney's relief, instead of arguing he spoke a few unintelligible words and bowed low. Upon rising, he said, "As their ancestors before them, they have chosen to let the act become the binding. Let the blessing begin."

Later, Rodney's report would describe the hum and gentle glow that radiated from the altar when he placed his hand next to John's. He still wasn't sure how it worked but he was willing to concede that they'd activated something because Rodney felt good. Really good. Relaxed and pleasantly buzzed and even after the – oh god – had he really stood in a barely wrapped toga and high-fived Ronon?

It was all coming back to him with crystal clarity. He remembered asking John, "Do you feel it too?"

John nodded with a big, goofy smile that made Rodney want to reach up and touch the corner of his mouth. John looked young. Carefree. And that was a memory Rodney would cling to until his dying day.

After that, reaching out to each other became the easiest thing in the world. Any self-consciousness disappeared when John put his hands on him, his fingers leaving trails of heat across Rodney's skin as he helped him out of the ceremonial robe. Groaning, Rodney's head fell on John's shoulder, heat and desire changing into a hot curl of need.

Rodney mouthed John's collarbone as John pulled at Rodney's toga and the sky blue fabric dropped from around his waist and puddled at his feet. The thin fabric of John's robe fell just as easily.

Moments later, Rodney found himself tipped over on the altar and pushed flat on his back with John's body pressed on top of him. He squirmed until he could get his hands on firmly on John's ass and tugged.

"Yeah, just like that," John said, hips thrusting hard against Rodney's erection. "Hold on tight, make me come all over you, god, I need it – need you."

"Yes, I want…" Rodney babbled. John's mouth fell on his and he was lost. The hot thrust and rhythm of need took over. For the next few minutes, nothing else mattered.

Awareness slowly seeped back. Rodney blinked his eyes open with a contented sigh. His fingers were entwined in John's hair and his legs were hitched over John's thighs leaving him bare and wide open. John's come and his own smeared sticky trails across his belly. "It's the altar. It did something to us."

"Yeah." John's fingers traced lazy trails along the crease of Rodney's ass and Rodney pushed against John's hands with a moan.

"Later, Rodney. I promise," John purred into his ear.

It was almost enough to make Rodney hard all over again. "You gonna fuck me?" he slurred.

"Yeah," John husked. "I'm gonna bury myself in you so deep you won't be able to sit for a week and then I'm going to tongue your ass until you beg for me to fuck you again."

"Nuughhh, John, please..." Rodney would have rolled over right then and there, if the Sutarian priests hadn't interrupted.

John grabbed up their discarded robes, covering Rodney first. He glared at the approaching priests.

"Is that – are you growling?" Rodney asked, pressing close against John. The idea of being separated made his stomach hurt.

Rather than answer, John pointed to the procession of people lining up.

"It looks like the entire village is here," Rodney said. "What do we do now?"

John pulled Rodney away from the altar. "Wait for it."

A procession line formed and each person took a turn touching the altar as they walked by.

Smiling faces beamed at him and John, and someone tossed flower petals at them, making Rodney sneeze. Any words Rodney might have said in annoyance were burned away by John's steadying hand on his elbow. "John, don't let go." Rodney shuddered. "I don't think this is over yet."

"I won't. I'm right here. No one is going to separate us."

Everyone in the parade seemed to have a chime to ring and feet to stomp and they did it with happy enthusiasm. With John's hand gripped tightly to his, they were carried along with the procession until they stood in front of a small cabin.

"This shelter has been reserved for you," one of the priests said, "to provide you the privacy you require. You may stay here until your binding is complete."

"Ah, thank you," John said, keeping his body between Rodney and the crowd.

"Did the healing work?" Rodney asked. "We, um, the two of us doing that… it worked?"

"Indeed it did," one of the younger priests said, grinning broadly. "Already many of our people feel the benefits –"

Rodney never got to hear the rest of the priest's answer because John shoved him through the door of the cottage.

"John, what are you –?"

"Rodney!" John growled. "Don't encourage them by talking about healing anything. I don't want them getting the idea that they can just call on us whenever anyone gets a boo-boo." John tugged Rodney's robe off and threw it in a corner as he backed him up against the bed. "I won't take the chance of anyone else getting their hands on you." He put one hand on the back of Rodney's neck and pulled him into a kiss. Rodney melted into it, his hands on John's hips as John tumbled them both into bed.

~*~

As he watched Rodney from the bed, John wondered what was going through McKay's mind. Rodney seemed preoccupied, staring into a drinking glass as if it carried all the world's answers. John figured he probably should try some damage control before Rodney worked himself into a panic because, without a doubt, panic was coming.

But first, he was taking a few precious minutes to enjoy the afterglow, damn it. His whole body felt lighter and the ring on his finger felt good – right. He had no intention of removing it no matter what objections Rodney might come up with.

Suddenly there was a sharp rap at the door and without further warning Ronon poked his head into the room. "We need to go, Sheppard."

John barely got his feet onto the floor when Ronon thrust their clothes and weapons into John's hands. "Teyla's standing guard outside. Hurry."

"What happened?" Rodney asked as soon as they were in the jumper and he had his breath back. "Are the natives pissed? Because I know it worked. I saw one old guy toss his crutch into the bushes."

"Yes," Teyla answered. "It did work. Better than the even the Sutari expected. We need to leave now before they decide you and John should live here permanently."

"Gotcha." John swung into the pilot seat. "Remind me to tell Woolsey to ban this planet for gene carriers." He looked at the tight, disappointed line around Teyla's mouth. "You know, maybe we can use the gene therapy as a bargaining chip. We help them use the Altar of Hakra in exchange for the occasional healing. How about that?"

"Perhaps," Teyla said with a careful nod. "Although I fear they will not allow Kanaan, or those like him, access. Like many others, the hybrids frighten them."

John reached out and patted Teyla's arm. "I'm sure Woolsey will figure something out."

~*~

That was the last Rodney heard of it for a while. Yes, the reports to Woolsey had been painfully awkward but apparently they'd fared no worse than some of the SG-1 teams. He certainly had enough work to keep him busy while John, Woolsey, and Teyla worked on negotiations to use the healing device.

He ran into John in the hallways of the city of course. The mess hall, the conference room, once in the infirmary – he had a headache and ran into John standing there staring at a bottle of aspirin in his hand.

"Don't tell me you have a headache too?"

"Not really, no." John passed Rodney the bottle with a shake of his head and walked out.

Rodney swore he didn't feel any differently. Days passed and things were almost back to normal – if he ignored the way John kept giving him looks. And ignored his lack of concentration at work whenever John was around. At least it had only been a little explosion.

It was harder to ignore when he woke up at three A.M., got dressed, and found himself standing outside John's door. His stomach rolled with queasiness. Not nauseous precisely but unsettled as if his entire insides were unbalanced and it was getting worse as he stood there in front of John's door. Rodney did quick mental rundown of all the possible reasons for that. Too much coffee at breakfast? Maybe John's smile made him forget how much he'd already had. Or maybe he'd have to be honest and admit it had more to do with John going off world in four hours without him. The thought of not seeing John for an entire day felt like a hardball to the gut.

Nevertheless, that was no reason not to pretend things were normal and back to the way it used to be before the Sultarian altar. No reason at all. He ignored the sinking feeling in his chest.

Firmly deciding to worry about it later, he knocked on John's door.

"Fancy seeing you here, McKay." John stood there, fully clothed, and holding a bottle of antacid. "Looking for this?" He held out the bottle. "Take it. And please, get some sleep. I've got a long day tomorrow."

After that, every time they passed each other in the halls, John looked at him like he wanted to say something, but he just shook his head and moved on.

Not talking about it suited Rodney just fine. It didn't stop him from noticing that John hadn't taken his ring off. Not that he had either. He wasn't ashamed of what they'd done, had wanted to do it again, but he felt so damn guilty for taking advantage of John he had no idea how to approach the subject. It wasn't like he could just walk up and say, "Please, Colonel, I'd like you to fuck me like you promised."

~*~

Lunchtime. Rodney glanced at his watch and wondered what possessed him to wait this long to eat? He didn't quite elbow his way to the front of the line, but he didn't waste any time loading his tray when he got there.

Seeing John sitting by himself, Rodney made his way over. He shoved away a tinge of guilt. Maybe he should have apologized days ago but they'd both agreed to use the altar, and how was it his fault anyway that he'd enjoyed it so much he wanted to do it again? John should have worked harder at being a lousy lay. Yes, this was definitely all John's fault. Ego bolstered, Rodney sat down across from John, ready to make his counter-argument.

John gestured toward the pile of food in front of him. "Notice anything, McKay?"

Rodney looked their lunch with unease. No, he hadn't noticed but it was perfectly clear now. He had picked up all of John's favorite foods, even the purple leaf thing that he hated and John loved. John on the other hand had a tray loaded with Rodney's favorites.

"I never realized. Did you?"

John shook his head. "Not until I sat down." He leaned back in his chair, raising an eyebrow. "I figured you would be along in a few minutes."

"Crap." Rodney reached for the buttered roll on John's tray. "Is this what you wanted to talk about?"

"I don't think we can just keep ignoring this thing." John waved his hands between the two of them. "It's not getting any better, Rodney."

"We can try."

"No. We have to deal with this," John insisted. "Yesterday, I came running up to you in your lab and asked you to double-check an equation for me."

"It was solid work! I've already got Radek applying it to the jumper's shield strength. That was your intention, right?"

"Not the point, Rodney!"

"We could go to Keller and have another scan done."

"Like we did after you came to the gym in my workout clothes and carrying a pair of bantos rods?" John shook his head. "Nothing's going to show up and you know it." He started to reach out to take Rodney's hand and pulled back at the last second. "I sent Teyla back to the planet to find out what was going on."

"Oh." Rodney stroked the ring on his finger before finally raising his gaze to meet John's eyes. "What if I don't want it to stop?"

John's entire body stilled. The next few seconds took eons while Rodney waited for John to say something – anything.

"How can you? I …" John stared down at his tray, choking out his next words. "I took advantage of you, McKay. Made you – god, you have no idea how long…" He took a deep breath. "I've been waiting to see if you wanted to press charges, or hit me, or something."

"You're an idiot. That was the best sex of my life and you think I'd complain?"

"The best?"

Rodney reached out and stole John's bacon. "Don't let it go to your head. Now that we're married, I plan on the sex getting a lot better with practice."

John stared at him with a dumbfounded expression. "I don't want – no, wait – I do want. I just want…" John hesitated. "I want more than this. I want an – us."

"Did you even hear the part where I said we were married?" Rodney studied the expression on John's face. "But you don't want it – us – to be because of what happened on the planet, do you? That's why you sent Teyla back to get more information. So, ah… in the interest of full disclosure, I've been nagging Woolsey to send a team back to investigate." He poked John in the shoulder. "I feel the same way, you doofus."

~*~

"Rodney, I was just –"

"– coming to see me?"

"Yeah." Stepping back, John waved Rodney into his room. "Guess I shouldn't be surprised."

Rodney nodded. "You should know I already talked to Keller. She's going to do another full workup on my blood. Yours too."

John's hand flailed awkwardly between them. "Nothing happened between us that I didn't want to happen. You said…"

"I wanted it too, yes. That hasn't changed. John, I saw the preliminary report."

"Hacked into it, you mean. Hmm, well, it does expedite things. What did it say?"

Rodney picked up one of John's golf clubs and a cleaning rag and began to stroke down the length of it. "Um, this thing? The… you and me…"

"Blending thing, yeah." John rubbed at the back of his neck. "You're doing a good job of that, by the way."

"Thanks." Rodney tilted his head, glancing sideways at John. John's black t-shirt stretched across his biceps. Yep, Rodney's libido was still working just fine. "Funny thing, it turns out that the altar not only worked just like it was supposed to but the two of us really were exactly the right pair to activate it."

"Get to the point, Rodney."

"Yes, well, it turns out the pairing already has to have an emotional connection – a pre-bond, if you will. One that snaps into place once the healing device is activated."

"You're saying we already had these – ugh, these… um…you know, that…" John waved his hands in frustration between them.

"The word you're looking for is _feelings._ Yes, we already had them. Both of us."

"For each other."

Rodney glared.

John smirked and motioned for Rodney to continue.

"The ceremony didn't create the bond. It was always there. Remember that flash of light?"

"Not really. What? You were buck ass naked, squirming against me, and had a hard on poking me in the thigh. Excuse me for focusing on your hot ass instead of some light show."

"You think my ass is hot?" Rodney asked, beaming. "Oh, right, back to what I was saying. The device stripped away the blocks that were getting in the way of us…" Rodney tried not to flush. "It didn't make us want to be together. It broke down the barriers keeping us apart."

"Like the gay thing."

"Um, for me, not so much." Rodney winced and looked up at John.

"Oh." John looked at his fingernails. "Not entirely a problem on my end, either. Theoretically. "

"Ah. Good to know." Rodney stepped close to John and lowered his voice. "It took a deep, intimate emotion from both of us to trigger the device." He swallowed thickly. "Like lovers."

"You never took your ring off," John said.

"Neither did you."

"Like lovers?" John brought Rodney's hand to his mouth and kissed it. When Rodney didn't protest, John kissed his wrist, nuzzling at its tender pulse point. Just when Rodney thought his heart was going to pound out of his chest, John drew him in close and wrapped his arms around him. "Like husbands?" he husked into Rodney's ear.

"Yeah." Rodney tried to pull them even closer together. "Do you think we could try out that intimacy thing again, only this time without chimes or the parade?"

"Yeah," John said softly, "I'd like that a lot."

~~~*~~~

**Author's Note:**

> A Fandom Forward auction work written especially for Outsideth3box


End file.
